There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
