my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
