i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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