The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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