Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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