Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
