I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
