well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
