why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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