i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
