I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
