I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
