my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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