Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
