New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My ATM looks so different sober.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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