Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
