I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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