She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize