hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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