Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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