Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
