i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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