You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
