my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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