Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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