you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
