If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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