I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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