My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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