I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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