i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize