Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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