So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
