I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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