My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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