3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
