does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
