I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize