I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
