i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
