I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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