I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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