Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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