i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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