So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
