i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
