He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
