woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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