all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
