Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
