my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
