i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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