she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Randomize
