yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
