News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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