When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
